Uncovering the Great Unknown

"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."   

                                                                                                                                          Brene Brown

This weekend I came out of the artist closet that I have been hiding in for the last year.  I used some of my watercolor paintings as background on my Instagram stories.  Few people know that I have taken up watercolor and fewer know that I identify as an artist.  I reluctantly started painting because I needed an avenue for my thoughts.  Starting to paint was terrifying because I was taught that either you have artistic talent or you don't.  When I would first sit at my table with brush in hand my thoughts would start to convince me that I had no artistic ability.  Painfully I would make myself sit there and just let the colors do the work.  Finally having the courage to reveal the names of my art was a moment of risk that felt instantly rewarding. That night I opened up my stories one last time, and I found that one catalyst Karen that always shows up to move us forward in our healing journey.

There it was...right there in the comments in words dripping with hostility.  The opinion of the user  "harshrealitygurl" was there mocking my efforts.  Each letter bounced off that page like daggers slicing at my worth.  Instinctually I was in fight mode ready to reply something nasty but then I realized it wasn't mine to carry.  It was not my issue if she took offense to me showing up authentically.  My response to her comments, however, that was my responsibility to regulate.  So I breathed through it and reminded myself that its ok to not be everyone's cup of tea.  That night I tossed and turned while that one comment invited all of my negative thoughts to gather in a room.  In the middle there I sat the same wounded little girl who was never good enough.  The truth is that I was travelling between two destinations: expert and imposter.  Honestly as a survivor of narcissistic abuse it is the great unknown that I have travelled throughout my life.  Even at times when I have appeared calm, below the surface there is a war waging between what I know and what truly knows me.  

The famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, believed that human behavior is driven by unconscious desires, feelings, and motivations that are concealed beneath the surface.  Freud's Iceberg Model, also known as the “Iceberg Theory” or “The Hidden Depths of the Iceberg,” is based on the idea that our awareness and understanding of a situation or a person is often incomplete.  The iceberg metaphor is used to illustrate the concept, as only a small portion of an iceberg is visible above water, while the majority of its mass remains submerged beneath the surface.  Similarly, the visible part of human behavior represents the conscious mind, while the larger portion hidden below symbolizes the unconscious mind. 

Likewise a leading expert in trauma and personal transformation, Thias Gibson suggests that  "our conscious mind cannot will our subconscious mind to change our behaviors."  The reason she gives is that our subconscious mind carries our core wounds that steer our conscious decisions, behaviors and emotions.  So if a core wound is revealed it is our job to fully see that wound for what it is.  For me the feeling of never being good enough speaks to a childhood of never having worth.  Sometimes it is deflating to think that we can know our wounds and still be controlled by them.  It might help to focus on proactive work to combat this issue.  Here are some strategies to practice when we begin to feel under the influence of our core wounds.

1.  Breathe, slow down and embrace the imperfection.

2.  Recognize and Reframe Negative Thoughts – Pay attention to the inner voice telling us that we are not good enough. Challenge those thoughts by reminding ourselves of our accomplishments, skills, and hard work. Keep a journal of our wins—big or small—to reinforce the truth that we do deserve our success.

3.  Take Action Despite Self-Doubt – Confidence grows through action, not perfection. Instead of waiting to “feel” ready, remind ourselves that courage comes from stepping forward despite fear. The more we show up and prove to ourselves that we are capable, the quieter imposter syndrome becomes.

As I move through silencing this imposter syndrome I know one thing to be true.  Creativity is a powerful tool because it shifts our focus from self-doubt to self-expression. When we engage in creative activities—whether it's writing, painting, problem-solving, or brainstorming new ideas—we silence the inner critic and tap into our authentic selves. Creativity allows us to explore, experiment, and make mistakes without judgment, reminding us that growth comes from the process, not perfection. It also helps us see our unique perspectives as a strength rather than a flaw. By embracing creativity, we can reframe imposter feelings as part of our evolving journeys rather than a sign that we don’t belong.  As for me I am going to continue to paint through my emotions and show up authentically as the artist that I am.  My warmest regards to "harshrealitygurl" in your pursuit of perfection.  Here's to the negative energy that you spewed forcing me to go deeper into what is below my surface.  Without your harsh words I wouldn't have moved a bit further along my healing journey.   This reminds me of a poster hanging over the sink in my high school art room which read, "Our worst critic is always our greatest teacher."  To all of my critics and keyboard wizards lurking in the background, I am forever indebted to you.  You are inadvertently responsible for turning my healing journey into the ride of a lifetime!  Muchas Gracias!

Anastasia Jorquera-Boschman is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant.  She spends her new life writing, speaking and holding space for people as a Trauma-Informed Resilience Coach.  During the coldest of winter months Anastasia can be found showing up authentically in her art studio.