Two Steps Forward and One Step Back: A Dance of Growth

"I am not okay

I'm barely gettin' by

I'm losing track of days

And losin' sleep at night"

Jellyroll

If there ever was a theme song that describes the life of a trauma survivor, this is it. I have taken another week off and no I am not on a holiday. I find myself in the midst of a moment in time in which all things are leading back to an old version of myself. I am not okay with how that is feeling so I am taking as much time as needed to process those emotions. Here is what is simultaneously taking place to land me in this emotional shitstorm. I recently had to clean out the contents of my fifth wheel trailer so I could get it out of our yard. For me that fifth wheel represents a time in which I was overwhelmed with sadness and the stress of raising young children on my own. When I lost my husband tragically I spent a great deal of time trying to make life for my three small children as happy as possible. In an effort to present as a normal family who had fully recovered after losing a spouse and a father I bought a fifth wheel and took up camping. I packed it, hooked it up and hauled it to the lake most weekends. Long Summer days were filled with watching my children catching frogs, fishing and meeting new friends. The evenings were filled with campfires and smores and tired children falling asleep after a movie and Jiffypop popcorn. It was in the remaining hours after they fell asleep that real loneliness visited me. I would lay awake hoping that my life would be whole again. In the midst of that desperate need for healing I was not the best version of myself. So when it came time to root through the remnants of that time, the trauma wound came up from the murky depths to swallow me whole. What a vivid check in on my healing journey.

 Along with that our dogs have decided to ignore everything that they have learned so far to hate on each other again. The reactivity has hit an all time high this week with neither dog remaining calm when they are anywhere near each other. It feels like we have come full circle from a bloody fight to being able to come together with muzzles and remaining calm to zero ability to even be in the same yard. This is the frustrating part of being a dog owner. I can tell you with great certainty that my husband and I have worked on our skills as pack leaders for over 1000 hours. We have done daily training to get to the stage where our dogs trust us and know that they need to check in when feeling afraid. We have had a few talks about rehoming and how to gauge whether these two dogs can every live in harmony. In retrospect that is just our own fear talking. After checking in with our trainer at Shift Canine Training we are reminded that growth is not linear. Learning can take place and yet there can still be a dance of 2 steps forward and one step back. The key, as she reminded us, is to pause and ask the question, "Why was there a step back?" That dance does not negate the growth it simply creates a situation for further growth. That step back plays an important role in the process because it allows for greater depth of healing.

The two situations illustrate the same pattern for growth after trauma. We experience an event that causes a trauma wound. Most people attempt to move quickly past that event. They avoid talking about the painful event or abandon the trauma wound in hopes it will vanish. They believe that if they swallow down the pain then those emotions will disappear. Then something takes place to trigger that wound and the emotions come pouring out. Those emotions can come out as rage, anger, humiliation, regret just to name a few. This cycle can be overwhelming and, if left to repeat, can change the direction of our lives. When we take the time to sit with our emotions and understand the trauma wound we begin to heal. That pattern, regardless of the direction it moves, is where the real growth takes place. The key is to be aware of the trauma wound and have the courage to sit with the emotions that come up long enough to allow for a processing of those emotions.

Sitting with the emotions is not difficult and can be as easy as being in silence and thinking about how you are feeling. You can do so many things to allow your body to reconnect to those feelings. Yoga, walking, writing, reflecting, creating, even just sitting outside on a warm sunny day are all great channels to process emotion. Interestingly enough we help our dogs process the emotion of fear by sitting in busy areas with them maintaining a state of calm. When they can show calm and leave their triggers they get a treat. The more times that we can retrain their brain to reach a state of calm the more probable it will remain calm on its own. This is called regulation and it happens in dogs and people. Its kind of what we do to retrain ourselves to heal our trauma. The more we are successful understanding our triggers and still remaining calm the more likely we are to move through life in a healed and productive manner. If it helps give yourself a treat after sitting with your emotions. My personal favorite is a glass of iced tea with fresh mint. There is just something about quenching my thirst after working my way through an emotional shit storm that I can't pass up.

 As I sit here typing I can't help but see a glaring connection to my being swallowed whole by a deep set trauma wound and our dogs reactivity. If I am the pack leader and I am drowning in emotion how could I expect anything but the same for my dogs? Well shit if that isn't a good enough reason to work on myself today I don't know what is. The questions I am leaving here for further reflection are as such; Who are the people in your life that follow you? Who needs you to be the best pack leader possible? Who benefits from you sitting with your emotions and healing your trauma wounds? It has been 6 days since I watched my fifth wheel leave the yard heading to it's new family and I couldn't help but feel like a weight has been lifted. As I stood there watching it go around the corner I shed a few tears as I let that part of my life go. So today I will sit with these emotions as I weed the garden and let them wash over me knowing that I won't be swallowed whole. I will live to calmly dance forward again knowing that the little step backward was necessary for deep growth. Here's to dancing even when you stumble, moving like nobody is watching and leaning into our emotions.

Anastasia is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant who spends her time speaking, writing and holding space for others to heal as a Trauma-Informed Practitioner. Along with that Anastasia navigates the dancefloor of training dogs and finding calm.