The Battles Within

"You are too smart to be the only thing standing in your way."

Welcome to the War Room.  Its a place where the maps showing soldiers in battle are laid out.   In the left corner of this room is a map illustrating a war that has been going on for decades which looks something like this.  In a small charming hamlet there is a room full of community members where a woman feel the need to volunteer because she has creative ideas.  She goes to the first meeting of community members intent on listening.  Immediately hypervigilant and overwhelmed by her senses taking in the interactions taking place, she spends the entire hour over analyzing expressions, comments and body language.  At the end of the meeting she has mentally compiled two lists; friend or foe.  Something feels wrong about that first impression so next meeting she attempts to sit and listen to understand.  A little Stephen Covey never hurt a situation right?  Somewhere in the battle between an attempt to appear "normal" and a trauma response the first wave of nausea hits.  There is something about the way that she now takes up space in this room that makes her palms sweat.  She reminds herself to be a good soldier, however, with one glance around it is evident that everyone else belongs.  She does one of two things next: lets her arguing voice out or never returns to the space.  That my friends is a classic "Anastasia Fight or Flight" moment.  I am the foot soldier in this war and that battle has raged for over 50 years.

That is how "unhealed Anastasia" attended most group meetings.  I always felt that I couldn't get along or didn't belong.  I spent a lot of time burning bridges and burning down the house when that gut feeling hit.  If you can relate to having this reaction then you are my people.  I now know that I was allowing my trauma responses to play out in each of those meetings.  I let my fear run my behaviors to the point of no return.  That fight or flight response was simply my brain keeping me safe.  The real healing began when I asked myself  "What does my brain want to keep me safe from?  What had happened in my past that created this survival trauma response? Just like that I began to unravel the mysteries of my past and in doing so I could understand the wounds from a battle that really never belonged to me in the first place.  

When I started to pause during that wave of nausea triggering the trauma response I was able to process what was happening in the moment.  I was able to regulate the emotions I was feeling during the interaction.  I was able to repeat that over and over again until I was calm enough to figure out the root of that behavior.  For me it was rooted in the complex trauma that I had suffered as a child.  That understanding now assists me in moving forward.   I really have no super powers and I assure you anyone can do this, they just need to ask the question "Why am I behaving this way?" Our trauma responses that we form out of survival stay with us until we understand their root origins.  Once we do that we are able to heal and grow forward.

Nowadays I still go to community meetings but I no longer allow my Trauma to hold me prisoner.  I go selfishly into that space to practice recognizing the Trauma Response, regulating and repeating that cycle until inner peace hits.  If you are struggling under the weight of trauma I highly urge you to lean into the trigger that is holding you back.  Until then, when that nausea hits, gently ask yourself  "What am I really feeling in this moment?"  Then, for no reason other than inner peace, sit with that feeling and move through.  This is not about picking our battles...this work requires us to be open to understanding the battles that have been raging throughout our lives.  The alternative is to keep retreating from our Trauma wounds.  Trust me on this one Trauma wounds follow us everywhere and wait for the chance to creep out of the shadows.  Sometimes healing is as simple as leaning into vulnerability, throwing up the white flag and listening to what our body is saying. 

Anastasia Jorquera-Boschman is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant.  She spends this life writing, speaking and holding space to heal trauma as a Trauma-Informed Practitioner.  Lieutenant Anastasia continues to fight her Trauma battles with a covert intention of winning the war.