The Thing About Struggle

"You will never forget a person who came to you with a torch in the dark."  M. Rose

The thing about Struggle is that everybody has it, everyone can see it and most people would rather run away from it.  Struggle is like the creepy uncle that shows up at the party and everyone scatters in his presence.  A month ago I woke out of a deep sleep and my world had come to a grinding halt.  Just like that I was tossed into a storm that I had no control over.  The life I knew for 25 years was gone with a few unintended whispers.  My only hope of survival was to batten down the hatches and hold on tight to what was happening in the now.  Honestly I really hate survival mode because it sends out a silent alarm.  It makes people choose between leaning in and running away.  If you fall into the latter of the two categories I welcome you to consider the following ideas.  

Avoiding someone's struggle is not a flaw.  In life we tend to mercilessly over estimate people's ability to know how to hold space when struggle appears.  This last month has been an indicator of the people in my circle who have the skill and those needing guidance.  Although my unhealed inner child wants me to cut off those who couldn't find the time to actually connect, I refuse to put down my borders around it.  The truth is that we live in a strange world wherein most people believe that connection is checking in on someone's Instagram story.  Let me lay this on the table for consideration, when someone is in deep painful struggle the most disconnected thing we can do is creep a story, see the pain and look the other way.  Even more damaging is expecting the person in struggle to reach out in order to be worthy of your time.

People often avoid the struggles of others because witnessing pain and hardship can be deeply uncomfortable. It forces them to confront their own vulnerabilities and fears, making it easier to turn away rather than engage. Many people feel unequipped to help, unsure of what to say or do, and worry that getting involved might be emotionally draining or even make things worse. In a fast-paced world where everyone is managing their own stress, there’s a tendency to prioritize personal well-being over extending support, leading to a culture of avoidance rather than compassion.

Another reason people distance themselves from others' struggles is the belief that suffering is a personal battle, and intervening might overstep boundaries. Society often reinforces the idea that resilience means handling hardships alone, discouraging people from both seeking and offering help. Additionally, emotional fatigue and desensitization from constant exposure to news and social media can make people feel numb to others' pain, leading them to disconnect rather than empathize. However, true connection and healing come from acknowledging struggles, offering support, and creating a culture where people feel safe to lean on each other.

Here's the thing, if this post causes guilt or anger then learning how to hold space for people is probably needed in your toolbox.  No judgement intended but maybe consider coming over to the raw side of connection- we have cookies...lots of cookies!  At this point a list of "how to" might help, however, to hold space one must simply listen to the struggle to understand not to respond.  Can you stand on a corner contemplating the words of your favorite song? Can you scroll endlessly through social media to consider ideas?  If so then you already have the skillset to hold space.  The person in struggle does not need answers, advice or solutions.  They don't need to talk to someone else "more qualified".  They need a safe space to wait out the storm.  As Earnest Hemingway puts it, "In our darkest moments, we yearn for simple human connection-a quiet presence, a gentle touch.  Those small gestures are the anchors that hold us steady when life feels like too much."

Within this last month I have walked through a shitstorm of unapologetic breaks. I have had painfully harsh conversations with people who no longer exist.  I have brushed up against human fragility.  I have courted defeat at the bottom of a steep learning curve.  I have swam through a sea of shame and guilt.  In the midst of my struggle I held tight to moments of true connection when people showed up to bury a dead body - no questions asked.  Eternally grateful to those people who shone a beacon light when I could no longer see the shoreline.  In an age of Struggle the act of holding a safe space for someone else is the highest form of connection.  Once again louder for the "not yet learned lurkers" in the back - learning to hold a safe space creates deep connection for all involved.  What else could be so beautiful in the currently fucked up world?  Hemingway says it best, "Silent support is the most precious gift we can give each other.  It's a love that helps us remember who we are when we forget."  The thing about Struggle is that everyone has it, everyone can see it and true connection can bring it to it's knees.

 Anastasia Jorquera-Boschman is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant.  Today she spends her time writing, speaking and holding space for others to grow forward as a Trauma-Informed Resilience Coach.