The Myth of Hyper Independence

She was running late to the social gathering.  Being on time was her specialty but tonight she had slowed herself, not wanting to attend the meet and greet event.  She had never understood why they needed the event because she had been able to see the people for who they were on the first day together.  She knew that tonight most of the people would be trying to create images of themselves that were artificial at best.  Master of reading the room she understood what was taking place between the characters of this story.  Now, here in this moment, in a room full of possibilities she reflected on the skill that has tinted her perspective for so long. 

From out of nowhere the something caused a flutter in her stomach followed by sweaty palms.  There she was, a five year old girl, watching her parents argue over something.  The argument, fueled with sarcasm and alcohol, had made her palms damp and her stomach rumble.  From behind the door of the bedroom she fought back the tears and fear of being noticed by her mother's bad temper.  She had needed to learn to walk on eggshells to survive that dysfunctional environment.  The habit formed out of survival had now become  a character flaw that would hold her back in moments of authenticity and connection.  With her mother's sharp words still echoing in her ears she had dared to ask one too many questions, her curiosity met with scorn.  Now, confined to her room, she listened intently to the tumultuous conversation beyond the door, her eyes fixed on the patterns of the wallpaper as she tried to decipher the unspoken rules of her household. This was her world—a place where silence was safer than inquiry, and self-reliance was a necessity, not a choice.

Years later, that same girl became a single mother, navigating the turbulent waters of parenthood alone. The lessons of her childhood had taught her well: trust was a luxury, and vulnerability was a weakness. She wore her independence like armor, each task she accomplished alone reinforcing the walls she had built around herself. But beneath that façade lay a profound isolation, a fear that paralyzed her at the thought of asking for help. The very idea of relying on another felt foreign, a betrayal of the survival mechanisms she had honed over decades.

This phenomenon, often celebrated as strength, is known as hyper-independence. For many, especially those from Generation X, it is not a badge of honor but a scar from childhoods marked by emotional neglect and trauma. Growing up in environments where expressing needs was met with indifference or disdain, they learned to suppress their desires, to depend solely on themselves. This self-reliance, while seemingly empowering, is often a survival mechanism—a response to a world that taught them early on that others could not be trusted to meet their needs.

Coupled with hyper-independence is hyper-vigilance—a constant state of alertness to potential threats, both real and imagined. This heightened awareness is another residue of past traumas, where unpredictability in caregivers led to an ever-watchful stance, always anticipating the next emotional or physical blow. While these responses may have been adaptive in chaotic environments, they become hindrances in adulthood, preventing genuine connections and perpetuating isolation.

Healing from the chains of hyper-independence and hyper-vigilance requires a courageous journey inward. It begins with acknowledging that these behaviors, once protective, may no longer serve one's best interests. Seeking therapy, particularly approaches like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), can provide a structured path to understanding and processing these deep-seated responses.

Reparenting oneself is another vital step—a process of nurturing the inner child that was deprived of emotional support. This involves cultivating self-compassion, setting healthy boundaries, and allowing oneself to be vulnerable. By doing so, individuals can begin to dismantle the walls built from past hurts and open up to the possibility of trusting others.

Additionally, embracing the 'tend-and-befriend' response to stress, as opposed to the instinctual fight-or-flight, can foster healing. This approach encourages seeking social support and building connections, countering the isolation that hyper-independence often brings. By reaching out and forming bonds, the nervous system can find regulation, and the psyche can rediscover safety in community.  

The journey from hyper-independence to healthy interdependence is neither swift nor straightforward. It demands patience, self-awareness, and the willingness to confront long-held beliefs about trust and vulnerability. Yet, through this process, there lies the promise of genuine connection, emotional freedom, and the profound relief that comes from knowing one does not have to face life's challenges alone.

As that once-silenced girl now stands at the crossroads of healing, she learns that true strength is not in solitary endurance but in the courage to seek and accept support. In embracing her vulnerability, she discovers the essence of resilience and the beauty of shared humanity.  

Anastasia Jorquera-Boschman is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant.  She spends her time now as a writer, speaker while holding space for other people as a Trauma-Informed Resilience Coach.  Along with that she is determined to embrace her inner child to heal her past traumas.