The Art of Becoming

When the brush hits the paper the bristles lead the way.  The colors are picked randomly as they come to me.  Today I sit in my cold studio and open the palette of options.  Watching my neighbor sweep a foot of snow off his car I wonder what will visit the front lobe of my brain today.  I ready my water and brushes and wait until the moment arrives.  I turn to the corner and call for Alexa to play me the music that comes to mind.  Usually Stevie Ray or George Winston are my go to listening picks but today the first song that visits me is Lose Yourself.  With a side of snark Alexa brings the fragrant smell of a nobody who looked adversity in the face and sang his magic.

My eyes hit on the reds and oranges and I grab the brush with the longest fangs of texture making goodness.   The beats of the intro dance into my ears and plant the message in my mind,

"If you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?"

Just like that my hand moves to the red and then through the green and my brush slides across the paper to reveal the color of my thoughts.  There is only one rule in my studio; I go with the flow of whatever my mind chooses because that is where it needs attention.  That is how the magic unfolds.  So as I allow brush to meet paper I lose myself in the possibilities and I listen closely to what my mind wants to process in this moment.  The one thing I know to be true is that deeply understanding my trauma wounds gets me closer to the sweet release of healing.  Today I seek growth like an addict scavenging for the next fix.

"This opportunity comes once in a lifetime", is followed by swift upright movements in my brush that leave the paper in each corner.  My painting becomes erratic whispers of anger.  The fine brush shapes a line across the scene and I think about a moment from last week.  A person from my past showed up to tell me that she didn't think I should spend all this time being a coach because, as she put it, "I don't see you as that."  Her attack on my self esteem undermined everything that I was working hard at.  Her comments took me back to a time when humiliation turned the world silent with pain.  When daily reminders spoke that everything about me was wrong.  My paintbrush is tight to the paper now and after smashing yellow through the red it breaths a sigh of relief when lifted.  What was screaming to be heard has shown up in full color.

Eminem's message cries out in the background,  "The moment, you own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot...This opportunity comes once in a lifetime", and I process why this memory showed up in my watercolor.  My focus shifts to the art and I try to make out the forms on the paper and then it hits me.  My hand goes for a wet brush and as the drops of water soften angry strokes the beauty is revealed.  I give in to the brushes movements and two lines make their way out onto the horizon, one close and one distant.  On each I spend time moving black paint back and forth letting my pain speak its message.   The song comes to an end and I begin to feel my fingers tingle as an awareness of the creation before me is revealed.  I can see a train trestle laid out and underneath the forest fire rages as light makes its way through the orange sky.  In the bottom corner appears the beginning of a train heading into the smoky haze.

I hear her words again, "I just don't see you as that."  I know that she was really saying, "I will never see you as anything but your old self".  This was perhaps the most painful part of the statement because everyday, regardless of my past, I show up as a very different person. Between my troubled past and the possibilities I envision for my future I travel daily to dark places where pain lurks.  If we are listening there are moments in our lives when our Trauma wounds reveal themselves to be fully heard. Healing trauma means listening deeply to our bodies—a process that requires surrendering who we think we are to discover who we could become. If the body truly keeps the score, then maybe Eminem had a point: we do have to "lose ourselves" in the moment, not in the chaos, but in the profound connection to our sensations, emotions, and unmet needs. This isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about transforming it, letting our bodies guide us toward the version of ourselves we were always meant to be.  

My neighbor is now digging out his driveway and I sit, processing the painful words of a person who doesn't even have skin in my game.  The irony of that idea brushes across my face and leaves a smirk.  As I dry the painting the words of Eminem run through my mind, "behind every successful person lies a pack of haters".  I think about how many ways I can use that person's hate to fuel my journey.  Heading out of the room I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I see who I am today.  I recall that hurt people set out to hurt people and I release the weight of her dismantling words.  Without hesitation,  I go forward into the possibilities of becoming and I start to sing the song that drives my train into the light, 

"I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage

But I kept rhymin' and stepped right in the next cypher
Best believe somebody's payin' the Pied Piper...

...So here I go, it's my shot: feet, fail me not
This may be the only opportunity that I got".

Anastasia Jorquera-Boschman is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant.  She spends her new life writing, speaking and holding space for people as a Trauma-Informed Coach.  Anastasia practices watercolor as a medium for leaning into triggers and moving forward in her healing journey.