Stealth Mode Activated

"The greatest warrior is the one who brings peace"

Cadmus Delorme

My journey creating the Whole and Capable Coaching website has lead me, yet again, down a rabbit hole. This week I was sharpening my landing site and came across a deeper section of my blog analytics. Who knew that it was possible to pinpoint the exact location of my readers. The map had a direct parallel to my old Christmas card list. It was a fascinating dive into who my readers are. It made me think, are they actually true followers or are they quiet stalkers of information? Hear me out, followers engage with the content. They like, share and comment on the matter at hand. Stalkers are those that just crouch in the shadows like cats who are waiting for the perfect time to pounce. At first this struck me as odd and as the day went on I kept replaying that idea over and over. Then it hit; that trigger, signaling anger that lasted until I could walk myself through it in a coaching session the next day. Yes I have a coach, I have many because to do this work, a coach has to do this work. It is in the sharing of coaching skills that we learn to master our process.

I was angry because there were a whole group of people, from my past, my friends and even my family who were not engaging. Worse yet there was no healthy acknowledgment of my work. I was relatively quick to get angry and venture into my old mindset of playing the victim. I started to think of these readers as "stalkers" with negative intentions. So I put up my same defensive shield that I had used in my old life and decided that those people would never change. I resorted back to my "kill or be killed" independence and life of isolation. That place of "self shaming shit storm" is a blinding place to be when you are a trauma-informed coach walking people through trauma healing. This was the behavior pattern that I have been eradicating for the last 5 years. It is a slow process considering the behavior, created in a time of survival, had been polished for 50 years. Regardless of the painfully slow progress I carry on in these moments of growth planted between triggers and understanding.

Upon a deep exploration of my anger I was able to clearly understand that the Trauma Bonds that I shared with my siblings had lead me to a place where I was struggling to know them in a different light. In his article, Overcoming Sibling Trauma Bond Through Healthy Relationships, Tom Karter lists the characteristics of sibling trauma bonds that are unfortunately very familiar to our situation. Considering the characteristics of sibling trauma bonds and this present scenario there were two possible stories playing out in my head. On the one hand they could in fact be lurking in the shadows, reading my blogs from a mindset of anger and resentment. On the other hand it is entirely possible that they are reading from a distance, unable to communicate because they are struggling to see me in the "Now". In isolation we see each other in the same dysfunctional light of who we were in difficult times. Honestly, nobody is their best self in difficult times. Simply put, the stories that play our in our minds can lift us up or limit our growth.

In a perfect world we would be able put down our shields, show compassion, accept each other's perceptions of what happened to each of us. In a perfect world we would be able to come to the table together, over a coffee, with open hearts intending to heal our relationships. Coming together in a reconciliation in which we honor each other's opinions. This work calls for siblings to let go of old versions of each other that they cling to. It is impossible to accept someone's growth if you are still holding on to limiting beliefs about them. With this in mind, it is entirely possible that no response to my blogs is a response. Even better, there is really no proof that this response is a negative one. There is this state of discomfort in the art of learning and it applies here. When we read something it can push us directly into quiet reflection or into an emotional discomfort. Either way we go, sometimes unknowingly, into a change of mindset. What I put forward is consumed by somebody and has the ability to merge with their thinking and change their mindset. In the end, a read of this blog post is full of the possibility of engaging reflection leading to growth.

With it being surprisingly easy to misinterpret intent in writing, let me be perfectly clear here. As a healing ever changing version of myself I do not hold anger toward my siblings nor do I approach this blog posting with the intention of malice. I am not trying to foster a negative narrative of my siblings. We are sisters, raised in a dysfunctional house much like many other kids who grew up thinking our upbringing was normal. We are human beings worthy of love, compassion and the understanding that our healing timeline is unique to each of us. I hold faith that in the future we can move forward and see each other with new eyes and peace can be possible. Until then I am going to unlearn some of my limiting beliefs about my siblings in preparation to come to that table ready to fully embrace my role in reconciliation. I am going to continue to establish my boundaries, speak my truth, ask uncomfortable questions, sprinkle grace where needed and move in stealthy warrior mode toward peace. Onward!

Anastasia Jorquera-Boschman is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant. She spends her time writing, speaking and holding space for people to heal their trauma. She is currently in stealth mode in pursuit of reconciliation in any once damaged relationships.