Mean Girls and Breaking Plans to See you Next Tuesday

"Who you were, who you are and who you will be are three different people"

Yesterday was cleaning closet day at Casa Anastasia with the goal of clearing out anything that was no longer of value in my life. After about 5 hours I realized that the answer was everything in the closet had to go. The years of educational items, files and unit plans had zero purpose in my life today...in the Now. It was by far the greatest snapshot of how far I have come on my healing journey. So today, I sit here with Molly at my feet thinking about how I managed that change and all of the things that I really had to figure out to grow forward.

One of those things that was a huge struggle for me was the idea of other people validating my journey. In the beginning, I put a lot of time and energy into explaining my journey to people only to have them disregard the work that I was doing. It was so paralyzing that I often would quit my process and think, "If people in my life didn't find this journey important then maybe it wasn't." Then one day something inside of me happened...it was like a switch turned on and I started to scrutinize the people that were so brutal in their reactions. I was talking about all the things that I was working on and one of my family members responded with sarcasm and a bite to her tone that burned. I realized, in that moment, that the response had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her own battles. Her invalidation was just another form of emotional war that had been raging in our house since we were young. Dr. Anne Brown RNMS states that, “Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.” She goes on to list the following responses as those that we should be listening for:

“Don’t be so emotional.”
“Why are you always so sensitive?”
“I was only joking.”
“What’s the big deal?”
“Stop acting like a wuss.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have done that.”
“We’ve all been through it. You need to get over it.”
“You are being silly.”
“Concentrate on the important things in life.”
“Stop sulking.”
“You know I didn’t mean it.”
“Grow up.”
“It could be worse.”
Non-verbal signs include things like:
Eye-rolling when someone is speaking
Walking away mid-conversation
Ignoring the person when they are talking
Playing on your phone and not listening
Reading the paper when they want to talk
Interrupting when the person is speaking
Changing the subject to talk about yourself

In retrospect how I handle these responses has made a sharp 180 in my life. I once reacted to these negative comments with something that would hurt back because I am quick on my feet. I would judge that person harshly and even go as far as to cut off contact. At best they were the Mean Girls and at their worst they fell into the "See You Next Tuesday" category. Now I have come to know that energy focused on responding to invalidation is a waste. The invalidation of others does not matter because this is my journey. I started this journey and I have changed all of the flat tires and shoveled myself out of many ditches along the way. When I shift my perspective this way it allows me to become the head driver and everyone else is either on the bus of off the bus. Regardless of their opinions my bus keeps going with a destination of grounded inner peace.

In our healing journeys from trauma, one of the most profound lessons we can learn is the importance of self-validation. It's not always easy, especially when external validation is scarce or non-existent. But through self-awareness, self-compassion, and intentional practices, we can discover the transformative power of validating our own emotions.

There are moments when we feel the weight of our emotions, and it's tempting to seek validation from others. Yet, its important to realize that true healing begins within. We need to practice checking in with ourselves regularly and acknowledging our feelings without judgment or criticism. Each emotion, whether it's fear, anger, sadness, or joy, is valid and worthy of acknowledgment.

Mindfulness can become an anchor in navigating emotional storms. The use of resilience strategies such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, and mindfulness meditation to create space for our emotions goes a long way. In these moments of stillness, we can allow ourselves to feel without rushing to fix or change anything. It's a gentle reminder that our emotions are a natural part of a healing journey.

Expressive arts can also played a significant role in one's self-validation process. Through journaling, painting, and music, we give voice to our emotions and experiences. These creative outlets provide a safe space for us to explore and validate feelings, even when others may not understand or validate them.

Building a supportive inner dialogue can be a game-changer. We can challenge self-critical thoughts and replace them with affirming statements. We should remind ourselves that our emotions are valid responses to experiences, and we deserve kindness, compassion, and understanding, especially from within. Each tool and technique has empowered me to validate my emotions and navigate my healing journey with grace and resilience. While external validation can be comforting, I've learned that self-validation is the foundation of true emotional healing. It's a journey of self-discovery, self-compassion, and self-empowerment. I trust in my inner strength and resilience as I continue to validate and honor my emotions, knowing that I am worthy of compassion, understanding, and healing, regardless of external validation. Today feels like a great day to get rid of things from my old life. Along with the unit plans, books and files I am going to toss out the opinions of the "Mean girls" and the "See you next Tuesdays" of the world. When it comes to their opinions about my healing journey, in the epic words of Clark Gable, "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn!" For now I will keep driving this bus on route to healing. Just an FYI, this bus runs daily except for Tuesdays and is available to anyone who wants to travel toward self compassion and resilience. My name is Anastasia head driver of this bus and Molly and I welcome you to this healing journey. Today is a great day to start your new life!

Anastasia is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant. She is currently holding space for other people's healing as a Trauma-Informed Empowerment Coach. Anastasia can be found most days driving the bus toward resilience for anyone who wants to take that journey. 🚌💝