Cultivating Healthy Connections as an Empath

My name is Anastasia and I am an Empath.  When in close proximity to people I absorb their energy and carry it.  When they are in a good place the energy is life giving, however, when the person we are spending time with are highly judgmental, sarcastic or full of rage then it can be a soul sucking experience.  After years of helping students to regulate I know that unhealed people who need the most help ask for it in the worst possible ways.  Watching someone we love deny that their unhealed trauma yet show up with uncontrollable rage is horrible. Its like driving past a horrible accident; we know there is devastation at the scene but we have to look anyways because there is a chance that the passengers made it out unscathed.  It is the hope of well being that carries us to take that look. It is the hope that keeps me coming back to the person who needs healing because today might be the day that rage is replaced by unconditional love.  Today might be the day that the unhealthy trauma bond is replaced by a healthy bond.  So I make myself available with a full set of regulation strategies in my pocket.

Being an empath in a trauma bond is like watering a plant in cracked, dry soil—pouring all our love, energy, and care into something that refuses to hold or return the nourishment. We keep giving, hoping our kindness will be enough to bring life back to something that was never able to fully receive it. But no matter how much we pour in, the soil remains dry, the roots never fully take, and we are left depleted, wondering if maybe we just didn’t give enough. The truth is, no amount of water can fix soil that isn’t capable of growth—just as no amount of love can heal someone who refuses to do the work themselves. This is the painful reality of a trauma bond, especially for those who were raised by a narcissistic parent.

To understand why trauma bonds can be so devastating, it’s important to first understand what it means to be an empath. An empath is someone who deeply feels and absorbs the emotions of others, often to the point of prioritizing others’ needs above their own. Empaths have an innate ability to sense the pain, stress, and emotional states of those around them, which makes them deeply compassionate and nurturing. However, this sensitivity can also make them vulnerable to manipulation, especially in relationships where love is weaponized. When an empath is drawn into a trauma bond, their natural desire to heal and help others keeps them trapped. They believe that if they just love harder, understand deeper, or stay longer, they can fix the person hurting them. But trauma bonds don’t work that way—because real love doesn’t require suffering.

A trauma bond is not the same as a healthy bond. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety. Both people in the relationship are capable of giving and receiving love in a way that fosters growth. A trauma bond, however, is formed through cycles of emotional manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, and deep-seated wounds from childhood. When raised by a narcissist, love was often conditional—we may have been praised one moment and criticized the next, leaving us desperate to earn affection and avoid rejection. This pattern becomes familiar, making it easy to fall into relationships where love feels just as unpredictable and painful.

Surviving a trauma bond as an empath on a healing journey requires conscious effort and a deep commitment to yourself. First, recognizing the bond for what it is—an attachment to pain rather than love—is crucial. Grounding ourselves in reality through journaling and somatic work can help counteract the gaslighting and self-doubt. Second, establishing firm boundaries is necessary, even when it feels uncomfortable. Narcissistic individuals thrive on blurring boundaries, so reclaiming our right to say no is an act of self-preservation. Finally, practicing self-compassion is essential. Trauma bonds leave deep scars, but healing happens when we begin to pour love back into ourselves instead of into the people who drain us. Like choosing to plant ourselves in rich, nourishing soil, we get to decide to grow in a space where we are valued, supported, and truly seen.  My name is Anastasia and I am an empath and a bad ass gardener.  Today I might be exhausted from absorbing negative energy while encountering a trauma bond, but I will be accepting this learning possibility presented on my non linear healing journey.  Today I will be reclaiming this sacred soil with gratitude and somatic work.  Once the soil is replenished I will be throwing in some seeds that are worthy of this growing season.  Let the personal growth continue.

Anastasia Jorquera-Boschman is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant.  She spends her new life writing, speaking and holding space for people as a Trauma-Informed Resilience Coach.  During the weeks before spring  Anastasia can be found sorting seeds and amending soil.